Celtic predictions based on close study of the sturm and drang of Scottish football - Kevin McKenna

JANUARY

A BBC Scotland football pundit utters a sentence with more than twenty words in the right order that conforms to the rules of English grammar and the correct use of tense. Sir Nicholas Chelmsford-Chivington, head of the English Language department at the University of Glasgow, said: “After detailed analysis by our team of academics we can confirm that the sentence is indeed complete and stops at the right place.”

Stunned listeners gave their reactions at hearing the sentence and said they’d always remember what they were doing when the momentously momentous moment occurred. A recording of the sentence has now been presented to the Hampden museum of football where it can be heard on a loop. A museum spokesperson said: “Who knows how long it will be before we hear another grammatically correct sentence uttered by a BBC Scotland football pundit, so we thought we should preserve this for future generations.”

A Radio Clyde spokesperson said: “I don’t know what all the fuss is about; we’ve actually got two grammatically intact sentences in our archives. One was uttered by Jimmy Sanderson in 1986 and the other by Hugh Keevins ten years later.”

FEBRUARY

Celtic move one point clear in the race for the league title following a last-minute win against Aberdeen. The Parkhead club have now gone 12 games without a penalty being awarded against them. Following the match, the SPFL announce they are set to trial the use of a “discretionary” form of VAR.

A spokesperson said that this would be operational immediately and cover only matches involving Celtic and Rangers “owing to budget constraints”. A three-person team of retired referees under the control of Hugh Dallas would cover games from a bank of in-play monitors and decide which decisions required further scrutiny. They would have the power to stop the play immediately and ask the referee to re-consider his original decision.

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MARCH

Dermot Desmond, Celtic’s largest shareholder, hits out at the firm which made his private helicopter. The Irish billionaire was left furious when the on-board satellite navigation system suffered a malfunction and dropped him off at Ibrox instead of Parkhead. A spokesperson said: “Mr Desmond only realised he was at the wrong game at half-time. He had a couple of horses running at Leopardstown and, understandably, he’d been distracted checking out their progress.”

Celtic move three points clear in the title race and prevail in the Scottish Cup after a close-fought 3-2 quarter-final win against Hearts at Tynecastle which lasted until the 124th minute following numerous discretionary VAR interventions.

APRIL

Celtic Chairman Ian Bankier announces the club has shut down the standing section populated by the notorious Green Brigade. It’s thought the move came after the fans group defied club orders to stop foodbank collections in the vicinity of Parkhead.

Mr Bankier said: “Although the club was founded to help the poor of the east end you have to draw a line somewhere. These unlicensed foodbanks are taking custom away from official pie outlets in the stadium. It also undermines our fiduciary duty to protect the interests of our institutional shareholders in the global comestibles sector.”

Coinciding with the move, The Sunday Times reports that the Green Brigade have come under scrutiny from the CIA and British Intelligence for alleged links to Peru’s Shining Path revolutionary movement; the Tamil Tigers in Sri Lanka; rogue elements of the Taliban in Northern Afghanistan and the Sudan Revolutionary Front. The report quotes unnamed US sources suggesting President Joe Biden is “actively considering” including the Green Brigade in next year’s Axis of Evil.

In other news, Matalan’s famous Sauchiehall Street branch shuts its doors for the last time with a fire sale of all stock at 75% off. Unfortunately, it coincides with the Scottish Cup semi-final between Rangers and shock-troops Kelty Hearts. For the first time, the press-box in a major Hampden semi-final is only a quarter full.

MAY

Police Scotland make multiple arrests at Celtic’s Scottish Cup semi-final against Aberdeen for the new offence of wearing colours likely to incite violence. A spokesperson for Police Scotland says that only an approved palette of shades of green can be worn in and around football grounds. “These fans were wearing an incendiary emerald hue which was likely to cause a breach of the peace.” Sitting in emergency session the following day, Sheriff Cameron Moncrieff Aitchison-McTavish accepted the guilty pleas of all 243 defendants and deferred sentence pending Social Work reports.

As the league race enters the final furlong with Celtic two points ahead of their old Glasgow rivals the Scottish Government introduces emergency Covid restrictions to combat an outbreak of the new and previously unreported Erin variant in the east end of Glasgow. Only ten spectators are to be allowed in to home games featuring all professional clubs in the affected G40 postal area.

The following week, the Sturgeon administration conducts an investigation into claims that the Celtic substitutes’ bench breached the new restrictions. Jason Leitch, Scotland’s clinical director, condemned the Parkhead club: Speaking to Stuart Cosgrove and Tam Cowan, who have recently been appointed to the new discretionary roles of Senior Medical Advisors, Mr Leitch said: “We’re seeing really high levels of infection in Scotland’s poorest areas and Celtic have acted irresponsibly and put the entire community at risk with their reckless approach to substitutions. They need to look at the bigger picture.”

Following the announcement that the club will now be suspended from playing for four weeks the SPL orders Celtic to play all of their remaining five fixtures inside two days before the end of May.

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JUNE

Following Celtic’s last-gasp title win on goal difference and their completion of a record eighth treble, the Celtic board say they’ll back manager Ange Postecoglou in the summer transfer window. They add however that they wouldn’t risk the club’s financial good health by imprudent spending.

In a wide-ranging online interview that covered all the bases from A through to B the club’s Chief Executive, Michael Nicholson expresses optimism that Celtic can compete for top players in what will be a crucial period of transfer business.

“Over the years the Celtic board have amassed a prodigious quantum of frequent-flyer points which they’ve selflessly decided to donate as bargaining chips for future signings. Plus, Mr Desmond has agreed to provide all our new signings with weekly horse-racing tips direct from the world-renowned Coolmore Stud in Co Tipperary. These are unique emoluments that money just can’t buy.”