A LEAKED document of uncertain provenance bearing the imprint of Celtic Football Club has come into our possession.

We re-reproduce it here without further comment.

“My dear chaps,

Our latest set of accounts seem more-or-less tickety-boo to me, but probably best to make sure we’re all on the same page regarding the losses.

On the face of it, a substantial decrease in turnover and income from player trading isn’t ideal but, like everything else we can always blame it on the Covid.

I thought we had a brilliant year, all things considered. I know everyone keeps banging on about The Ten, but if you’d told me in 2011 that we would get nine we’d all be doing one of those Peruvian waves round the boardroom table. I feel that everyone needs to calm down and look at the wider policy landscape.

Instead of obsessing about what might have been let’s instead focus on what actually is: that’s us 2-1 ahead of our friends in Govan in collecting nine-in-a-rows. Future generations of Celtic supporters won’t be upset about not making it 10-in-a-row; rather I prefer to believe that they’ll be appreciative of all of the work we directors put in to make it another nine.

READ MORE: Celtic consistency of selection key to solving Ange Postecoglou's central-defensive dilemma

The present generation of supporters are a churlish and truculent shower who fail to appreciate how much sacrifice we make on their behalf. Surely they can’t really think we all like cutting about in these bulk-buy blazers that Peter got at cost price from Primark just because they’ve got a wee Celtic crest stitched on to them?

And do they think we’ve got nothing better to do than spend the best part of a weekend afternoon in some Central Scotland ghetto eating vol-au-vents in those laminate Portakabins that our esteemed SPL rivals call boardrooms? It takes a lot of self-control pretending to be nice to Bob the Builder and Tam the Baker in their Rotary Club jackets after their players have just tried to eviscerate our Japanese fellow. But these are the sacrifices we all of us have to make when it comes to counting on their future support for my run at the league presidency in a few years’ time.

Anyway, to business. We need to address the unedifying and regrettably sudden departure of our latest chief executive. I think we can all agree that we all thought he was a disaster waiting to happen within a few days of him walking through the door. All that stuff about a new broom cleaning out the stables is all well and good in an interview situation. But if he really was a genuine Celtic fan as he purported to be he’d have known that this isn’t how things are done here.

I don’t know about you, but his proposal that we cut down the largesse on our European jollies betrayed an alarming lack of ambition. As you all know there’s a reason why we book ourselves into the best hotels in the vicinity and give it large with the expenses account at all the top restaurants. Our European rivals watch us closely on these trips for any signs of small-time behaviour. If they reported back to their players that the Celtic board were dining from the set menu at a Frankie & Benny’s-type emporium on the Copenhagen High Street it would give them a massive psychological boost.

I suggest we brief a few of Peter’s friends in the press box to get the story out that he just wasn’t buttering the parsnips and cutting the mustard. And thank the Lord for those non-disclosure agreements that Peter insisted we get everyone to sign these days, eh?

To matters on the field. I think we can all agree that Mr Postlethwaite is doing a grand job in the dugout. He seemed very pleased about the cash we made available to him in the transfer window and thinks it will be enough to ensure we’re still in the title race at Christmas. I told him to fill his boots and make hay while the sun shines because that’s to do him for the next four transfer windows. I’ve also promised him and his missus a couple of fancy seats the next time his All Blacks are in Scotland for the rugby.

READ MORE: Celtic clearly trusting the Ange Postecoglou process in League Cup win over Raith

Word also reaches me that those treacherous malcontents in the Celtic Trust are still harping on about not getting a discount on the 2020-21 season tickets. They seem to think that our governances are questionable because most of us have been around since the Thatcher era. I think it might be time to bring a couple of the ring-leaders in for some questioning and to show them the photos we’ve got of them in Grace’s after we clinched the treble double. And by the way, contrary to the nay-sayers I rather thought the live streaming service we shared with Petershill Juniors during the lockdown worked a treat.

And now to matters pertaining to our forthcoming European campaign. I think I speak for us all when I say we were delighted with the draw. The game against Atletico Betis takes us back to Seville and that legendary night when Big Jock led us to victory against AC Milan in that never-to-be-forgotten final that’s stitched into our memory banks. And it’s great that we’re all getting to go to Germany for what promises to be a cracking game against Bayer Lederhosen. And you don’t need me to tell you about the Turkish delights that await us in Fenerbahce. The hospitality in these places is all top-notch and I’ve had Therese draw us up a great travel and dining itinerary.

I was discussing this with DD yesterday and he says he thinks he might be able to make one of the trips but that he needs to check the fixture schedule for Leopardstown first.

Allez les Hoops, as they say in Seville."